Unacceptable

Time for another religious rant. My thesis: I don't like church. Lately, I've been drifting into what I'd call "morally-ambiguous waters". Of course I have been for some time and I've probably mentioned it about every other post on this blog. Is this something I'm proud of or am I concerned about it? On the one hand, I'm happy to be breaking away from the pack and from the environment I was raised in. For the most part, it was a good environment, but I've also matured in an environment that was a little different than that. Even since then, I've deviated from that too. Really, my best friend Dan described this pattern the best: I do what I want.

Growing up, I could never watch R-rated movies and even though I'm 24, I'm still not supposed to do it in my parents' house. (Although I've done it so much, it's more of a "don't ask/don't tell" thing...along with alcohol, whether or not I smoke cigars, and what I do with my girlfriend.) Dan's right...I pretty much do what I want. There are a lot of things I've been told not to do in my life, but I refuse to blindly follow those things without questioning why I'm not supposed to do them. In a lot of areas, I've concluded that it's really not that bad if I do them, or if it could be that bad then use a lot of caution. As far as that goes, I feel fine living in my own skin while doing those things (like watching "bad" movies, drinking, smoking cigars, etc).

What bothers me is that I don't feel like I'm acceptable enough to pursue my relationship with God. God might think I'm good enough for it, since He says to come onto Him anyway, but it's the whole church thing that gets me. While I feel okay for doing those certains things that I do, I can almost certainly predict that not everyone at church will see eye-to-eye with me on that. Even if they still welcomed me and accepted me, it's not like they'd let me help out and do anything productive before they "purified" me. I'd still be ostracized for my "deviant behavior" and everyone would try all their different little way sof trying to correct me in my "sins". I don't want that. If someone can find me a church where I can go serve just as I am and I can make a bunch of friends who are solid brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm there. So far, I'm not sure if this exists. Even if it did, maybe it shouldn't exist and maybe it's not the healthiest church out there? I don't know. It's tough as hell trying to figure out if I'm being a pompous ass about religion or if I have a right to stand up for what I believe to be right and wrong. My parents would like to see me at church, but I just assume that's synonymous with becoming reprogrammed into God's little robot and I'll lose any kind of deviant or independent thought I have about God or religion. It feels like I must lose my identity in order to truly embrace worshiping with other Christians.