In the News

OJ Simpson.

OK, it's not that often that I talk about something completely unrelated to my life, but I'm going to take a stab at it, just because I feel like not talking about me.

Juice is a thug. Somehow because he's famous, he played in the NFL, and he was in Capricorn One and the Naked Gun trilogy...we think he's exempt from being classified a thug. Nope...sorry. The dude killed his wife--or had her killed (who knows). He's had all sorts of run-ins with domestic disputes and whatnot. Now he's kidnapped someone and stolen crap. Yippee ki yay muthafucka. Just put the scumbag in jail for disturbing the peace by taking up so much of our valuable time in the media by being a douchenozzle. Case closed. That brings up an interesting point.

Back in the day when I used to be more politically/religiously-charged, I'd find it ridiculous how atheists would complain about suffering religious persecution and personal damage because religious monuments would be erected (I said it) in government buildings. For one thing, the 'monuments' were just sitting there like a rock--mainly because they were a rock. Two, the monuments usually were out of the way and didn't obstruct the flow of people walking through the building. Yet these asswhiners usually won. So my thing is I wonder if I could sue various media outlets for personal and psychological damage and distress for being bombarded by crap like OJ, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan. Stuff that's absolutely pointless, has no effect on my life, and really isn't news. Would I win? I should. My brain is under serious duress here! I mean, yeah, I could sue my employer for airing it since I work in the TV industry, but I like my employer. Aside from occasionally getting blamed for something I didn't do--like airing a bad take for a commercial in which I ran into my foot with the camera. But that's another story.

Losing My Religion

Today, I made a startling discovery about myself. I don't think I want to be a Christian. Deep down, I still do. The call to change the world for a cause greater than myself still beckons and mystifies me. Communing with a mysterious and supernatural god has not lost its appeal. However, I'm finding myself at odds with the demands expected of me as I try to serve this God.

For one, I'm supposed to go to 'church'. Finding a good place is becoming a pain in the ASS. I'm still not even sure why I need to go. Sure, it's a place to serve and worship with other Christians, but why every Sunday morning and why is it mandatory? One thing I've heard recently is that you don't look for what the church can do for you, but what you can do for the church. I'm ok with that concept except I don't really know of any churches where I feel like I can really serve. My idea of serving is to do really awesome media stuff, bringing to it my tastes in art and music and storytelling, for the good of the body of Christ. In that kind of environment, I'd have others doing the same thing either helping me or me helping them, we'd all be half-obsessed about it the whole time, and we'd do amazing work because we'd found that place in life where God meant us to click. THAT is the kind of church I want to serve. However, the ones I keep winding up at don't have that kind of focus. It's more generally-focused. Sure, I could serve in a broad way, just using my strong back for manual labor--serving soup, building houses, cleaning gutters of the elderly. Not bad things, since I never do them--it'd be really good for me. These days I'm just not really wanting to go to a place where that's the only thing to do.

Some other areas I'm struggling with too are devotionals and worshiping and doing just the pious 'busy' work of following Christ. Read your Bible, listen to Christian music, do praise and worship, pray everyday. Not that I'm particularly against doing any of it, but I rarely get anything out of it and after being taught all that stuff for four years in college, I kind of know what's there already--though I have a knack for forgetting it. Right now, I'm more into studying not just the Christian side of life, but the non-Christian as well. Exploring art, music, literature. Non-Christian 'culture' seems to have a lot more depth and honesty in it, because faith doesn't get in the way of the individual seeking their intellectual potential and it doesn't set up these unrealistic expectations for what life should look like. What they make of their lives is purely improv. Sure, a lot of people like to stick to the cookie-cutter, doing what's popular and trendy. Others, though, really have a mind to change the world though, and don't let anything stop them. This isn't to say that I see God or faith as a hindrance. In fact, some people integrate faith into their lives very well and it enhances what they do here. It gives them discipline, peace, joy, and power to live life to the full in every way. THAT is what I'm looking for. THAT is the Emerald City. But right now, I see only reds and blues as I'm searching for the Yellow Brick Road.

I know who I am, what I'm good at, what I'd like to do in life. At this moment in time, life is damn empty. I've got a job and a roof over my head and that's it. Barely any friends, barely a church, and barely any prospects for getting out. I'm looking to church and religion as a way to change all that, but it just seems to be getting in the way. So is this new church in the road an obstacle or my destination? There are things I'd like to do in my life and there seems to be no way I can do a majority of them at this new church. Should I be able to or are there other places I need to seek out in order to satisfy my desire to utilize my talents/gifts? The puzzle pieces just aren't fitting together.

Back to Square Pound Sign Question Mark Question Mark

A few weeks ago, I went to a new church that's pretty much in my backyard. Well, it would be in my backyard if there was a closer way to get there. Presently, nonesuch a route exists, as illustrated on the left:

Wonderful, isn't it? I have to turn a regular 3-minute drive into a 15-minute one because the lazy-ass city won't pave a 50-yard road.

Anyway, about the group itself. Lots of cool people there that I'd like to get to know better, but it's not really a place where I can grow as Dan Ball. I can grow as a Christian there fine--which is something I need to do now. However, I went there expecting/hoping to find a group of 20somethings that were into culture and art as much as me and my friends were in college, but I don't know that anyone there is into that. Nobody's just starting out in life, wanting to make a difference through art. They're all about 5 years older than me, they've settled into life, and they are into other things like sports, guns, weddings, and culture is like on the very back row in the van.

With that said, I still feel like a lot is lacking in my life. I've found a good place to grow spiritually, but as far as having close friends--brothers in arms--I'm still searching, I think. I don't want to settle into the kind of life a lot of them live. It's all so...mundane to me. I hope they're happy with it, though. It'd be really nice to find an artistic community that shares a faith in God and love of culture--art, music, film, photography, literature, history, philosophy. People who are still in college even though they graduated a long time ago. WHERE can I find that? Do I really need to move to Georgia to live with guys that I know share those values/dreams with me? The guys that helped me conceive that lifestyle?

All I know is that I'm feeling more and more like Northeast really isn't satisfying all my needs in life right now. I don't know whether it can or is supposed to, but when I think about going there and hanging out with the people who attend there...there seems to be something missing.

Shit, it's taking a long time to find my place in the world.