Losing My Religion

Today, I made a startling discovery about myself. I don't think I want to be a Christian. Deep down, I still do. The call to change the world for a cause greater than myself still beckons and mystifies me. Communing with a mysterious and supernatural god has not lost its appeal. However, I'm finding myself at odds with the demands expected of me as I try to serve this God.

For one, I'm supposed to go to 'church'. Finding a good place is becoming a pain in the ASS. I'm still not even sure why I need to go. Sure, it's a place to serve and worship with other Christians, but why every Sunday morning and why is it mandatory? One thing I've heard recently is that you don't look for what the church can do for you, but what you can do for the church. I'm ok with that concept except I don't really know of any churches where I feel like I can really serve. My idea of serving is to do really awesome media stuff, bringing to it my tastes in art and music and storytelling, for the good of the body of Christ. In that kind of environment, I'd have others doing the same thing either helping me or me helping them, we'd all be half-obsessed about it the whole time, and we'd do amazing work because we'd found that place in life where God meant us to click. THAT is the kind of church I want to serve. However, the ones I keep winding up at don't have that kind of focus. It's more generally-focused. Sure, I could serve in a broad way, just using my strong back for manual labor--serving soup, building houses, cleaning gutters of the elderly. Not bad things, since I never do them--it'd be really good for me. These days I'm just not really wanting to go to a place where that's the only thing to do.

Some other areas I'm struggling with too are devotionals and worshiping and doing just the pious 'busy' work of following Christ. Read your Bible, listen to Christian music, do praise and worship, pray everyday. Not that I'm particularly against doing any of it, but I rarely get anything out of it and after being taught all that stuff for four years in college, I kind of know what's there already--though I have a knack for forgetting it. Right now, I'm more into studying not just the Christian side of life, but the non-Christian as well. Exploring art, music, literature. Non-Christian 'culture' seems to have a lot more depth and honesty in it, because faith doesn't get in the way of the individual seeking their intellectual potential and it doesn't set up these unrealistic expectations for what life should look like. What they make of their lives is purely improv. Sure, a lot of people like to stick to the cookie-cutter, doing what's popular and trendy. Others, though, really have a mind to change the world though, and don't let anything stop them. This isn't to say that I see God or faith as a hindrance. In fact, some people integrate faith into their lives very well and it enhances what they do here. It gives them discipline, peace, joy, and power to live life to the full in every way. THAT is what I'm looking for. THAT is the Emerald City. But right now, I see only reds and blues as I'm searching for the Yellow Brick Road.

I know who I am, what I'm good at, what I'd like to do in life. At this moment in time, life is damn empty. I've got a job and a roof over my head and that's it. Barely any friends, barely a church, and barely any prospects for getting out. I'm looking to church and religion as a way to change all that, but it just seems to be getting in the way. So is this new church in the road an obstacle or my destination? There are things I'd like to do in my life and there seems to be no way I can do a majority of them at this new church. Should I be able to or are there other places I need to seek out in order to satisfy my desire to utilize my talents/gifts? The puzzle pieces just aren't fitting together.