Lazy at the Speed of Light!

Life is rough. I've got a fiancée who loves me in a normal, but weird and totally healthy and constant way. Money's okay. Loving the new church I'm attending. Making new friends...I guess. Am I making new fans too? I don't know. Do I want fans? Should I have them? Is God cool with that? Probably not. I think it depends. I see Him allowing it if I point the way to Him, ultimately. These days...I'm not so hot at that. Or anything else for that matter. The fiancée wouldn't say that about me, since she thought I did a great job taking care of her last week after surgery. I suppose I should be proud of that, instead of thinking I dropped the ball, but it's kind of tough.

What's really going on is that I'm discontent with my being here. Not that I think I need to leave or anything. My purpose and executing that is what bothers me. I don't know what my deal is. All through college, God gave me PLENTY of seeds to sow through creativity. Everyday, I wake up and ponder what kind of creative impulse I'll act on before the day's over. Usually, it's none of them. When it's bedtime, I'll end a day where I didn't write a script, didn't write any music/movie reviews, didn't write a song, didn't design/build my own website, didn't make anything to sell or use to impress the world. This isn't failure so much as laziness.

All my life, I've felt like a performer waiting backstage before the big show. When I get on stage, nobody will notice me, but I'll just start out quietly and eventually get the show going and I'll get a fair share of attention. The performance will be amazing. What I hope is that it points them to God. He's the one who gave me the ability to perform, so naturally it should reflect back on Him and take the minds and hearts of a lot of people with it. There will be unfathomable power pulsing through that performance and it'll change many things in a big way. It will be unlike anything ever seen before and unlike anything I've experienced up to this point. My potential will be utilized and displayed for all to see.

I realize that while this is lofty, it's also possible. I'm capable of that, I think, if I applied myself, but I don't. While I want to live up to my potential and leave my mark on our culture as a reminder of God's presence in our existence and be an inspiration to others...I simply am overwhelmed and frightened at having that much weight on my shoulders. Even if I set out to make the worst crap out there, I'm positive I'll still try to make it good and it'll turn out great. This happens a lot. Whenever I draw something, I always get people who say the most incredible things about my work. Even last Saturday with face-painting, people were saying I was way good at it. While I should've been happy about that, I didn't want to face it. I knew it was good, but I didn't want to believe it and think I really meant something. Maybe that was Satan talking?

Regardless, I'm scared. Scared of how good I can be and scared to actually unlock Pandora's box and garner all the attention from it. A few weeks ago, I had the idea that I might like it if I could just make movies that nobody saw except God. Even when the people who worked on it with me wanted to see it, they couldn't. Only for God. At the same time, I love the notoriety from the crazy, zany stuff I do. I love having my reputation preceding me many places. I love being a nice guy that most people feel comfortable around. My problem is probably just being stuck on myself. If I took myself out of the equation and just focused on the actual inspiration and creating stuff, I might get something done.

Oh Lord, be my muse...